Fear I

This journey, by it's very nature, uncovers a lot of baggage. Zazen (Zen meditation) isn't like most other meditation practices. For one thing, it's not exclusively done while you're sitting, but also it often isn't comfortable. Unlike most practices, you're not looking to cultivate any state, it's more like you're looking to move through all states until you can rest in the flow of change. This relentless digging causes you to confront a lot that you'd rather keep hidden.

There's been a lot of fear and loneliness at the moment that's been coming up for me.

Fear of global warming, fear of having no friends, fear of having no financial security, fear of being single and unloved, and a fear that I am somehow tied to a path that is going to lead me to a future where I have nothing and no-one.

I'm not sure if this began for me, or at least gained momentum, after my awakening experience a year ago, but I am struggling with having no motivation in the traditional sense.

I like being with people, but I'm rarely seeking company to avoid being alone, so that naturally ends up with me finding I'm alone quite often.

I can't find the impetus to fight for my career. I love acting, but it's pointless for me. I can't buy into the idea that we need more stories to be told or that the world needs my talent. It's all so small in comparison to what I'm now feeling to be important. Nothing is replacing this drive though. It's only the resolution to be free that is dragging me around. I have nothing to give to the world and nothing I want from it, I just want us all to be free from it.

I miss sex and romantic company, but I now feel some huge responsibility about this which I didn't before and which I can't fully identify.

What gives me comfort, is that all the teachers I encounter say this is normal. Maybe later I'll attempt to quote each one, but for now, this is an excerpt from Adyashanti talking at length about this:

"Nonetheless, reality has begun the process. The disillusionment has begun. And ultimately, once you've had the glimpse, there is nothing you can do to stop it, not forever. But this dissolving, as I've said, can be very disorienting....like 'Who am I gonna be now and what's gonna move me?" - Adyashanti - The End of Your World

Somehow, even with all this, I can't quite fully buy in to the idea that I'm going to be led down some terrible path. But it is scary as so much seems to be abandonding me.