THE IMPORTANT BIT

After I realised that most of my names for this blog had been taken already, I eventually settled on this one, and so far, I think I'm happy with it.

Please don't read anything I say here and attribute it to me.

I am not a spiritual teacher, in case that's not evident, and I'm not done with this business. This blog serves to document my travels on this journey, which may be of help to myself or others, but it's not to be taken as gospel.

I came back from a Zen retreat in Dorset earlier this year. My first one actually, although I'd been meaning to go on one for ages. For 3 days, we did almost nothing but inquire into "What am I?". There was to be no talking, no reading, and no entertainment. The one real activity was the following:

About 6 times a day, we'd meet in a room, and sit facing a random partner. One person would demand of the other "Tell me what you are", and then the other would say anything that was arising at that moment, anything at all (although some verbal editing may be required to avoid referencing the other person, which doesn't help anybody). The asker would sit and listen as intently and as non-reactively as possible, essentially being just a presence. After 5 minutes, the roles would reverse, and this would happen about 4 more times. Then we'd go for a walk or something, or have lunch, still holding on to "What am I?"

Later, I was told that in Korean Zen, sometimes monks spend their entire lives with this question or one similar.

This clarified something strongly for me.

What I was seeking had no abiding place.

Expressing this, it may be said, can be done better or worse, and the expression can be an indicator of something it would seem, but the "thing" itself, that which matters and which it's all about, cannot be talked about and in the traditional sense at least, cannot be found.

However it is of utmost importance that you discover this for yourself with every cell of your body, going through the process truthfully, really looking as if for the first time, really expressing what you find as if for the first time. Not holding on to anything, no matter how much you like the way it sounds or feels.

So please don't take anything away from my words as there is nothing in them. My thoughts are flimsy and I don't have strong opinions. Please don't attribute a belief to me. If I appear to be contradictory, you're right. If you want to argue with me, you've already won the argument.

But if anything I say helps you in any way, you're more than welcome.