APPROACHES TO FREEDOM

Distraction

Distraction believes the obstacle to be real and unbearable to deal with. This is the approach taken when one is ignorant of the possibility of freedom or unwilling to aim for it. The purpose is to hide from the obstacle and to set up one's life in a place where it doesn't exist. This attempt at hiding is only ever partially successful at any time and the degree of how successful comes with how much one is willing to trade their mental and physical health.

Rebellion

 

Rebellion is typified with believing the obstacle to be real, external and directly threatening. We rebel in order not to be consumed by something unacceptable, which we believe to be a very real possibility. This is not freedom and doesn't work as an approach. Without the obstacle, there is no rebellion. There is no sense bringing in another element in order to deal with the obstacle. It is an immature attempt at freedom and is often the first method employed. It's association with youth not co-incidental.

Transgression

Transgression is based on believing the obstacle to be real, internal and not directly threatening. Unlike rebellion, there is not the sense of believing oneself to be under attack, but there is still the same desire to break free of an apparently real boundary. In order to do so, the transgressor acts in a way that is beyond that apparent boundary. In common with all cases that see the obstacle as a reality, the result is always destructive. Unlike the previous two however, this is the first attempt to break free from within.

Withdrawal

Withdrawal believes the obstacle to be unreal, internal and directly threatening. One attempts to ignore the obstacle in the hope that it will disappear. Using this approach as opposed to distraction comes from seeing that the obstacle's reality is only a self-construct. However it is felt as directly impeding, it's existence only being real in as much as it is felt, unlike previous states which see the obstacle as inherently existing, thus meaning that there is a greater sense of discomfort than with, for example, transgression.

Renunciation

Renunciation sees the obstacle to be non-existent but in the wider sense is an immature, true freedom. Immature because even though freedom has been found, it has not matured into an engagement with the issue. It is inner freedom at external cost. One is felt to be left by the situation, as opposed to having to leave it, but there is yet to be a return. At this stage, one is different, and is not yet free as a normal human being. As opposed to the previous cases, renunciation is not actively done, it rather happens by itself. Renunciation is not widely understood and may be the subject of criticism.

Liberation

Liberation is true freedom. One lives right within the territory of the supposed obstacle and yet there is no obstacle that could exist. It is a maturing of renunciation. The issue is freely engaged in but with no possibility of being trapped by it.

Purpose I

What on earth do I do now?

I can't do anything

No-one will understand this

I'll lose everything


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11/3 - And just like that, it's no longer relevant

The First Taste

I'd been practising for about 4 years or so. It's actually a little hard to remember.

I know this much: it was shortly after I'd attended a Rohatsu retreat at our centre. Rohatsu is a special day in the Buddhist tradition as it's the day that Shakyamuni, the historical Buddha, supposedly had his big enlightenment experience. It's believed to be December 8th. On this day, Buddhists from all over the world meditate through the night of the 7th to 8th to commemorate his doing the same and his big awakening upon seeing the morning star. I guess I must have been 26 at the time.

During the private one on one interviews with my teacher that were taking place during the Rohatsu, I answered the spiritual question I had been working on. It didn't seem like a big deal and I certainly didn't feel like I'd gotten anything or that anything had happened, but my teacher was very happy, happier than I'd ever seen him. I felt like he was making a mistake to be so happy for me but I didn't say anything.

So this was some time after that. Because he'd been so happy it was a bit like a weight had shifted. What I had asserted was remarkably simple and for him to apparently confirm it as true felt very good, and I relaxed in my practice a bit, confident that I was going the right way.

I was sat in Zazen in my bedroom in North London. It was "going well". I wasn't getting distracted by thoughts very much.

At a certain point, in an attempt to go deeper into my new question, I thought to myself "It's already here. There's nowhere to go. It's already with you". I guess I must have thought that way for a couple of minutes.

Shortly after that, there was a blank, like I'd fallen asleep, but it seemed that I hadn't. I woke up after an uncertain amount of time (probably no more than a few minutes) and I was perceiving myself as the centre of the universe.

Well it wasn't quite that, it was more that the existence of everything I was perceiving (and somehow it seemed, everything that could be perceived, no matter where I might have been geographically) was just seen to be originating from me. It was surprising though. I blinked and, I think, opened my eyes, and then I took about a minute to register everything. I'd heard that when this kind of thing happens, the recipient often experiences instantaneous insights about the nature of reality which fundamentally change their outlook on life. Well this didn't happen. I remember being a bit disappointed and thought that maybe if I'd somehow been able to stay in that place longer then things would have been different.

So that was that, and I carried on with my day. Nothing had changed.

But something had changed. From that point on, I think, there was a deep and slow building shift. It's like if you turn a lava lamp upsidedown - everything stays where it is initially, but the forces are different. There has been all kinds of stuff since then, and I write this for my own records because I don't know when this new way of seeing, which is now more familiar to me, ever had a chance to begin if not here.

When I got into Zen, I really wanted one of those massive enlightenment experiences that shatter everything and change you overnight forever. The universe saw fit to deny me that. So far it's been little tiny bursts of light that, without me noticing, have now begun to illuminate things a bit.

I say "tiny" yet they rocked my whole world, but that still constitutes "tiny". These experiences, all of them, it's a bit "so what", you know? It's just an experience. So what? What does this experience matter when I'm dying? I can't remember them very well.

Still, things are confusing. Confusing in a different way though.

Breathe out, and there is the whole universe. Where else?

All these things, I have to question their existence, because where are they?

Onwards, onwards

Fear I

This journey, by it's very nature, uncovers a lot of baggage. Zazen (Zen meditation) isn't like most other meditation practices. For one thing, it's not exclusively done while you're sitting, but also it often isn't comfortable. Unlike most practices, you're not looking to cultivate any state, it's more like you're looking to move through all states until you can rest in the flow of change. This relentless digging causes you to confront a lot that you'd rather keep hidden.

There's been a lot of fear and loneliness at the moment that's been coming up for me.

Fear of global warming, fear of having no friends, fear of having no financial security, fear of being single and unloved, and a fear that I am somehow tied to a path that is going to lead me to a future where I have nothing and no-one.

I'm not sure if this began for me, or at least gained momentum, after my awakening experience a year ago, but I am struggling with having no motivation in the traditional sense.

I like being with people, but I'm rarely seeking company to avoid being alone, so that naturally ends up with me finding I'm alone quite often.

I can't find the impetus to fight for my career. I love acting, but it's pointless for me. I can't buy into the idea that we need more stories to be told or that the world needs my talent. It's all so small in comparison to what I'm now feeling to be important. Nothing is replacing this drive though. It's only the resolution to be free that is dragging me around. I have nothing to give to the world and nothing I want from it, I just want us all to be free from it.

I miss sex and romantic company, but I now feel some huge responsibility about this which I didn't before and which I can't fully identify.

What gives me comfort, is that all the teachers I encounter say this is normal. Maybe later I'll attempt to quote each one, but for now, this is an excerpt from Adyashanti talking at length about this:

"Nonetheless, reality has begun the process. The disillusionment has begun. And ultimately, once you've had the glimpse, there is nothing you can do to stop it, not forever. But this dissolving, as I've said, can be very disorienting....like 'Who am I gonna be now and what's gonna move me?" - Adyashanti - The End of Your World

Somehow, even with all this, I can't quite fully buy in to the idea that I'm going to be led down some terrible path. But it is scary as so much seems to be abandonding me.

THE IMPORTANT BIT

After I realised that most of my names for this blog had been taken already, I eventually settled on this one, and so far, I think I'm happy with it.

Please don't read anything I say here and attribute it to me.

I am not a spiritual teacher, in case that's not evident, and I'm not done with this business. This blog serves to document my travels on this journey, which may be of help to myself or others, but it's not to be taken as gospel.

I came back from a Zen retreat in Dorset earlier this year. My first one actually, although I'd been meaning to go on one for ages. For 3 days, we did almost nothing but inquire into "What am I?". There was to be no talking, no reading, and no entertainment. The one real activity was the following:

About 6 times a day, we'd meet in a room, and sit facing a random partner. One person would demand of the other "Tell me what you are", and then the other would say anything that was arising at that moment, anything at all (although some verbal editing may be required to avoid referencing the other person, which doesn't help anybody). The asker would sit and listen as intently and as non-reactively as possible, essentially being just a presence. After 5 minutes, the roles would reverse, and this would happen about 4 more times. Then we'd go for a walk or something, or have lunch, still holding on to "What am I?"

Later, I was told that in Korean Zen, sometimes monks spend their entire lives with this question or one similar.

This clarified something strongly for me.

What I was seeking had no abiding place.

Expressing this, it may be said, can be done better or worse, and the expression can be an indicator of something it would seem, but the "thing" itself, that which matters and which it's all about, cannot be talked about and in the traditional sense at least, cannot be found.

However it is of utmost importance that you discover this for yourself with every cell of your body, going through the process truthfully, really looking as if for the first time, really expressing what you find as if for the first time. Not holding on to anything, no matter how much you like the way it sounds or feels.

So please don't take anything away from my words as there is nothing in them. My thoughts are flimsy and I don't have strong opinions. Please don't attribute a belief to me. If I appear to be contradictory, you're right. If you want to argue with me, you've already won the argument.

But if anything I say helps you in any way, you're more than welcome.

The earliest I can remember

My discovery of Zen began when I was 15 and looking for pornography on the Internet.

There used to be a website called Home of the Underdogs where you could download Abandonware games. Abandonware is software that has been abandoned by it's creators and as such is not supported or put up for sale, with the implication that any interest in enforcing copyright laws for the product has also been abandoned. It's a morally questionable concept.

Regardless, I was young and bored and horny, and I wanted to find some interactive sex game. Masturbation was exciting, like some incredible new toy. It seemed like nature's way of apologising for all the horrors of growing up.

I was looking on Home of the Underdogs and I found this:



A Japanese game translated into English as "True Love". This was a bit surprising as most games are not called things like "True Love". They are called things like "BATTLE SQUADRON 9: TALES OF KL'RETH" and involve you in complex tales of shooting men in the face until there are no more men to shoot in the face.

"True Love" is a dating simulation. You have to make choices regarding how your character spends his days, with certain choices leading you to meet certain beautiful girls, and certain more choices allowing you to hopefully end up in a sexual relationship with one of them. I'd never heard of such a thing.

These games, unbeknownst to me at the time, were written in such a way as to make the girls seems perfect. They were basically trashy romance novels for boys.

And I devoured them like a starving man in a desert. It seemed like they were made just for me.

 Please understand I was not popular at school. I was one of those kids who kept to himself but hated every second of every damn day of the place. I also was one of those kids who developed an interest in the opposite sex from a very early age. I was obsessed with a girl in primary school for about 4 years and have a vivid memory of a physical attraction towards her when I was 7 - not that I knew about sex but I just felt like I wanted her physically somehow.

Here was something that spoke to my needs. Finally something about girls and not about shooting men in the face. I could relate. Also, there was something about the characters. The heroes in these games looked like this:







Look at this guy. He's slim. Skinny even. He doesn't want to shoot people in the face. At the time, in my school, aside from his relaxed demeanor, he was unlikely to be in with the people. He'd be off to the side somewhere, trying to figure out his place in this damn world, quiet, strong, inquisitive, not involved in all that macho posturing. Yeah, this was me, this was where I was headed.

And guys like him would be shown ending up with girls like this:



What is that falling around her? Snow? Drops of pure magic? Look at her carefree gesture and how her school uniform looks strange and otherworldly. Check out her face which simultaneously expresses emotion whilst being vague enough to project your fantasies upon. She might as well be an angel. I was being told stories of people who looked like me falling for, and ending up with, girls like her. They were more than stories - it was a promise; the promise that said "people like you do get the girls in the end. This can be your future"

So I was hooked. Back then, there were very few games that had been translated from Japanese, so I basically played "True Love", another one called "Season of The Sakura", and another which I might dedicate another post to as it resonated with me more strongly than any other story in any medium before or since. That one is really something special, I think, and is a bit different than what I'm talking about here.

But there was another important element and this was also something that I had not experienced so strongly before this point in any form of film/tv/otherwise. The overriding sense in these stories was that life is fine. Even as the characters are going through some difficult times, the strong atmosphere created in the images, writing and music (music played constantly in the background of these games) was one of serenity, as if the whole thing was orchestrated somehow, or otherwise had meaning, and this vague but very palpable sense was benevolent - it's like these stories took place in a world that loved you. The Japanese do this very well. They sort of took over the reins of Disney in that sense.

And these games did have sex in them, but it was lovely sex, usually the result of some long courtship and completely the "making love" kind of sex. Best of all, it was explicit. I couldn't believe these things were together; it was like another world - one where I had been consulted. Someone knew that there were people out there who wanted to be told love stories with the sex included instead of some fade to black and - oh look it's the morning after and they're having coffee.

Well, that's not entirely true. Some of them were sleazy and horrible, but the ones I were interested in weren't.

Anyway, this basically kickstarted it all. I developed an interest in Japan as a country and I fantasized about going there and meeting some beautiful Japanese girl. Somewhere in all this, I discovered Zen. It wasn't until I was 22/23 that I started practicing, but it's funny to me that I can directly trace it as far back as looking for porn when I was 15.

Appropriate that the game to begin it all was called "True Love", I think.